my messy thrilling life

amazing what a few simple words and observations can do… send you into a tail spin of “what’s it all about”?

one of my odest and dearest friends needed a little moral support yesterday… actually she needed a lot. she seems to feel as though she is at a crossroads in her relationship.

there are about a million and a half factors which have lead her and her soon to be overseas soldier boyfriend to this point. call it bad timing, call it fate, call it what you like, but there are significant issues they are facing which can no longer be glazed over in an effort to “keep the status quo”. though she only needed the support and a shoulder to cry as she makes some truly impossible decisions, i couldn’t help but reflect on my own history a little. i can relate to how she feels…

you don’t want to hurt the other person because you do love them. you want only happiness for them, but your gut also tells you that neither one of you will be happy down the line if you don’t throw in the towel now. you feel obligated, guilty, and inadequate. you are torn because you want to pursue your dreams and know you will have to sacrifice and change A LOT to be with this person, but you do not want to crush them either… a sort of damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation.

i really do hope that the next 2 weeks of reflection give her what she needs to make the best decision for her. he is a great guy and she is a great lady, but at what point do you accept that it cannot work? perhaps they really are just too different? time will tell…

colleen was writing about baggage of the emotional variety the other day and caused this whole line of thoughts in my own head. in the end, its not really that you are looking for someone who is baggage-free because let’s face it, thats not the way real life works.

sometimes, you just need to find someone with baggage that matches your own.

thinking about a new painting… it requires a trip to my local fabric and antique store. i see vintage fabric sewn on canvas with expressive line contour drawings in complimentary colors, thick and gritty. beautiful retro drawings from my grandmothers sketchbooks when she was a ittle girl dreaming of exotic places and fashion shows; handwritten essays about the “beauty of design”. i see another oulet to bleed the frustration and daily annoyances out of me. this feels right… i HAVE top paint this weekend… and just like that i feel “full” again

also begining to question certain things… thanks largely in part to the birthday dinner with my mother, colleen’s most recent blog entry, and an article in good ol’ GLAMOUR. even though its scary, its completely necessary to ask yourself if you are truly happy with the details of your life. because, as we all know, life is in the details. there is only one moment; its here and its gone. why let it slip away is like your breath on the fall morning air?

can’t seem to get a line from a death cab for cuttie song out of my head…
“bah-bah, bah-bah; this is the sound of settling…”

julia and i were out for a bite after work last week and we somehow ended up on the topic of 9/11. cheery dinner conversation, i know.

we were discussing how you tend to remember the unexpected in extremely stressful/upseting/tragic times. you know that your family will call you, you know that your best friends will call you, but its the people you never would have guessed were even still thinking of you that really surprise you. to know that person was worried about you, to hear their voice… it can be really touching. i will always remember the kindness of two people in particular that day. one sat with my loopy family the entire afternoon (which is a miracle in and of itself) until they made sure i was okay. the other who i had not spoken to in months left at least 6 panicked messages on my voice mail and the next time they saw me, swept me up into their arms, tried my tears, and said exactly what i needed to hear. i don’t need to say their names; they know who they are

its as if some poeple in your life just have a sixth sense about you. they know when you need them the most and they are there. and hopefully they can say the same about you.

thank you for the unexpected.

so i have finally broken down and decided to write one of these. ironic how the graphic designer resists technology, no?

i need a small outlet to vent about my stress level because it has been at an all time high. i am overwhelmingly burdened with work… sadly it seems to be the only thing on my mind. this irritates me further for the simple fact that people who cannot bring themselves to discuss anything other than their crappy jobs and how miserable they are have traditionally pissed me off to no end. and lately i am beginning to sound a little too much like one of these dullards. SOMEBODY SNAP ME OUT OF THIS!! i feel completely sapped of all my creative vibes; i am so not the chipper artist enthused about design. the fact that i can feel the passion i have for this draining out of me is only making me feel even worse. :::sighs:::

on a more positive note, i do have to say that the previous weekend’s festivities has certainly helped. to be surrounded by people i love much (despite the minor drama that always seems to follow us around) was extremely refreshing. its funny how our friendships have stood the test of time; we just all seem to work in our own weird way.

so where did we go exactly? since miss colleen was noticeably absent, i will run through a brief synopsis: because it was kiki’s birthday, she ultimately picked the local (the rain was making a bar hopping night out in the city pretty mush a wash - pun intended) which was the nutty Irishman in bay shore. Cory made his way in on the train and was drenched because apparently it doesn’t rain in Brooklyn and they do not have weather forecasts to beat the cover and the crowd, we made it in early. the guys showed up a little later and the shots commenced. SEVERAL drinks later, kiki did a car bomb with bob-o, kruger gave me his cherry, mikey wanted to fight someone - then changed his mind, danielle sought a hot guy to buy her a drink "to make sure she’s still got it", and kesner proved to be quite the ladies man (honestly!). the evening culminated with kruger saying something unwise causing kris to douse him in ice water at the diner. by 5am, we were passed out in a pile at kris’s.

good times. we ended up needing pretty much the whole day to recover, but i think it was worth the effort.

also, i was thinking about this yesterday. it bugs me when people claim to have been so drunk that they cannot remember what they did AT ALL the night before. now, i am not denying the fact that sometimes people "black out" and that you can forget some details. hell, its happened to me too once or twice. but every single time you drink with your friends you can’t remember HUGE portions of the night!?  you either a) have a serious problem or b) are in complete denial of your actions. everyone has woken up at least once the night after a major drink fest and cloudily recalled something truly embarrassing and horrific that they said/did. next time, don’t cop out and say "uhhh… i don’t remember ANYTHING from last night". you know what (or in some cases who) you did. own it. and when your friends rag on you for it, just bring up the fact that you know something more embarrassing about them. if this doesn’t work, try kiki’s approach and dump a glass of chilly water over their head

that’s all for tonight kiddies! peace!